Depression: n. A state that’s not so fun.

I guess I should first be perfectly clear about one thing: I get depressed, but I have never been, and never plan on being suicidal. There is no need to be concerned about my physical health for these last 11 days I have in Australia, despite the poor mental health I’m about to describe.

I think I can truly and accurately attribute a significant portion of my depression on the weather we’ve been having recently. As I mentioned in my last blog, the past 10 days have had very poor weather. It isn’t that it’s always been raining, because it hasn’t, and it’s not because it has always been cold, but because the combination of heat and clouds has made me decided it was not worth attempting an outdoor activity (like tanning). However, I do recognize that I would still have been depressed even if each day was sunny and cloudless.

These past month or two, and in particular these past two weeks, have not been good for me. Granted there is a few bright moments of the past two weeks that have been appreciated and enjoyable, but for the most part I’ve been struggling with an internal string of thoughts that always gets me down. I have too much time to think, and too many things that I get caught into thinking over that lead me down a path of self-criticism that is not healthy.

If, as is common, I get caught in this thought process just before bed, I loose sleep over it, but if it strikes during the day, it just reinforces my absolute lack of motivation to do anything! I now make an effort to use the free internet (which I’m using now) at the library purely so that I have a reason to get out of the apartment that is stronger than my desire to stay in bed or in front of the tv.

I’ve been through worse depression in the past, but never a depression as immobilizing. I know that this is because I really have no one to talk to in person (even skype isn’t very good) about anything! Laura, as I mentioned before, left 11 days ago, followed by Alex about a week later, and Ryan just left 3 days ago. Freshman year at Bryn Athyn College, I beat the blues by going to Garrett’s room. I spent countless hours either just listening to his music while he was doing homework, or he and I would sing along with his music, or just chatting with him about my most recent woe. Here, I’ve been forced into writing friends pointless Facebook messages, which I hate doing, just so that I am occupied, and in the hopes that I may receive a response.

But things, as God usually makes it work, are looking up. Today I was able to beat the blues by going for a 24 kilometer bike ride to Henley Beach where I spent an hour taking photos (to be uploaded later), and another hour and a half tanning (or, rather, burning). Yesterday I also was able to get into a very nice mood for a while – I prove myself to be my Sisters’s Brother: in part, the movie Pride and Prejudice (2005) is the cause of this sudden lighter mood I experienced yesterday.

Again, you have no need to be concerned for my physical health: I wouldn’t have the guts to hurt myself intentionally even if I did want to. Miss you all!

Cheers!